I still remember shopping for essentials for apartments I had to stock while traveling on extended business assignments; paper towels, a cup, fork, corkscrew/beer opener, and a sheet.  A few lines from K-Mart—as I was not entertaining, nothing had to match.  I have seen boy scouts take more for a camping trip than what I planned to live on.  Had I a Swiss Army knife, I probably could have done without a few things.

Time passed, and as it did, my sense of domesticity developed a higher degree of deportment and taste.  My Salvation Army Flintstone jelly glasses in the cupboard were swapped out for backlit hand-cut crystal stemware in the breakfront.  I found myself owing throw-pillows, so many that it now takes five minutes to remove them from the sleigh-bed just to be able to see the 800 thread-count Egyptian sheets.  My set of gas station Ginsu steak knives was replaced by perfectly balanced, stainless steel implements with the word Wusthof laser-etched along the blade.

The thing about having things is sooner or later you realize you need things to take care of your things.  When you marry, not only to men get a wife, they also get someone who is light years ahead of them with rules and ideas about how to play house, only it really has nothing to do with playing.  I learned quickly the world is comprised of two kinds of people, the ept, and the inept.  I know ept is not a word, but I also know you will understand its usage.  Being included in the inepts, is like playing rock, paper scissors with your opponent knowing you will always throw down paper.

It is not a level playing field.  I discovered I was playing house with one hand tied behind my backboneless back.  How could I have been doing so many things so wrongly for so many years?

Shall I enlighten you?  Men, whether or not you know it, you a card-carrying members of the inept fan club.  We are like the infidels, and they are the jihadists.  I wrote previously that I married above my pay-grade.  Those who did are the lucky ones, at least until you are forced to show off your domestic skills.

Lesson 1:  Sewing.  What do you do if you lose a button from a shirt or a pair of pants?  Don’t stop to think of the correct answer, it will only further confuse you.  Between you and me men, just tell the truth.  You either toss the item on the closet floor and decide to never wear it again, or you replace it with an upgraded version.  Not so fast Sparky.  Your “I don’t know how to sew days are over.”

Lesson 2:  Ironing.  Say again?  I am sure you have seen one.  I actually had to buy one.  You no longer have the freedom to be able to wear something just because it is clean.  You will have to run the gauntlet from the dressing closet through the bedroom and hope she does not spot the wrinkles.  As someone who has tried to make the dash, your chance of success would be higher if you were to race the bulls in Pamplona wearing nothing but a red cape.  The moment she spots the wrinkles you are left with one of two choices—like being between Iraq and a hard place.  You can either spend a few hours learning how to iron the offending article of clothing, or you can change shirts.  My recommendation—change the shirt since you probably did not care which shirt you were going to wear.

Lesson 3:  Doing the laundry.  There are two ways to do this; your way or hers.  Note however, that if you do it that way you must do it when she is not at home.  Simply dump everything in the washer, turn it on, run it through the dryer, and fold it.  One load, not too bad.  If you do the laundry when she’s home, you are talking at least three loads—whites, lights, and darks—and three times the amount of work.  You will also have to learn about fabric softener.  You will then be forced to fold it, and probably refold it as there is no way on earth you know how to fold things the way she likes them folded.  Arguing that they are your clothes and that you should be able to decide how your clothes will be folded is not a wise move.  You will lose that argument.

Lesson 4: Vacuuming.  Vacuuming is fraught with inherent risks.  This is another game that is best played while alone; like solitaire.  Men have a different perspective on vacuuming.  We believe it is done to remove the dirt—the visible dirt, not the dirt neither of you can see.  Removing the dirt does not entail vacuuming the entire house.  You do not need to vacuum the rooms that had no activity since the last time the house was cleaned.  You know the dining room has not been used since Thanksgiving; in fact, you have drawn up plans to convert it into a billiard room.  Cleaning it would be a waste of time and electricity.  She however, does not care about whether or not you saved twenty-five cents of electricity.  Your bride will prefer that you vacuum the whole house, and leave neat little vacuum wheel marks on the Persian rugs.

Here’s a hint that may help you.  Buy a hand-vac and make sure you get the parts where the stairs meet the risers—that is the first place she will look.

Lesson 5:  Hand towels.  Hand towels are like draperies, they are only for decoration.  You do not wipe your hands on the drapes, and you should not wipe them on the powder room’s hand towels.  Use your shirt.  It is probably already wrinkled, so a few more will not hurt.